What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

So, i spoilt her more .

Comes on , in middle age.

Is Pampano safe to eat?

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

She wouldn,t have been !

She loved him until the end.

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Put me off passion for life!!

I had hoped to write a book about this .

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

But it wasn’t much.

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

He resisted the act ,that day.

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

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And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

Why did i forgive my father ?

My family never makes their pension either.

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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Who then, do I blame.?

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

Cum at omnis doloremque totam.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

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I think the readers, may guess!

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

She married twice! .

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

I know ,a lot about trauma.

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Would this be the day?

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

He was dying to do it , i knew.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

My mum and dad in the seventies!

The only rule us 5 kids had .

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

I will be 64.

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

I couldn’t, believe it.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

I was very sick at this time too.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

But, we were locked up after school.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Im still living with it.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

She was in good health!

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

All the time i was locked up.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

He knew the spot.

On the 31st of Jan this month .

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I have no regrets .

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

When she asked me how she looked .

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

I did it because my mum asked me too!

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

I could never make a relationship work though!

What did i know ?

One cannot live in the past .

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

I don,t even have a pension.

But ive been too sick for many years..

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

I write beautiful poetry .

And i lived it daily.

She found it foreign!.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

Where the ultimate outsiders.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Ive learnt so much.

We all went to grammer schools

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

My life is so biszare .

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

Especially a lifetime of it.

I was seconnd youngest,

This is how, and why children get BPD.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

I said to her

As i do to all so called friends.?

So whats the point in blame.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

Was to survive, this bastard.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

I waited trembling.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

(And it was in our own minds.)

I was 9 years of age.

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

It was going to be , some day.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

This is soul school!.

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

I never cut or harmed myself..

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

I was scared of men, in general

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

We were not on the streets..

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!